Some say that "comparison is the thief of joy."
I haven’t written a blog post in a very LONG time because I’ve been struggling with comparison. Especially now that I’ve just graduated. I’ve been struggling a lot with looking at other people’s lives, post-graduate plans and their reflections of how college was "so amazing" when it wasn’t for me, and so I feel like I did something wrong. College was really hard for me. And based off comparison, it just feels like everyone else had an easier or better time in college than I did. And I know social media can make thins seem real when they're not, but it definitely still feels real. Everyone's posting pictures and stories talking about how college was the best time of their life, they loved every minute of it, how they found their soulmates, how they worked so hard and it paid off so well and they’re excited to continue the next step of their journey whether it’s grad school or their professional job or whatever high achieving step is next. And truly, I am extremely happy for them! That, just, was not my experience. College was the hardest four years of my life. I was literally praying for it to be over. And the thing that made me the angriest is that I tried. I tried so hard to have the “college experience.” I pushed myself so hard to meet so many people, try new things, join clubs, take engaging classes. I pushed myself so hard to make the most of my college experience so I could look back with fondness knowing that I did everything. That I made the most of my four years. I had a plan as soon as I entered college. I knew exactly who I wanted to be in four years and what I wanted to accomplish. I was planning to be even more successful, popular, intelligent and high functioning than I was in high school. I was planning to graduate with a set life plan, whether that was an acceptance to a prestigious graduate school or a position at an expensive job. I envisioned myself reaching perfection by senior year, something that I had coveted my whole life, and consistently spent all my energy working towards. But I didn’t get that. I worked so hard to get that perfection that it led to my demise. (a.k.a A complete mental breakdown and a hospitalization). But the funny thing is that after I "failed" I finally reached the happiness that I was searching for. For the first time in my life I didn’t have the weight of perfection pulling me down and so I could breathe. And not just breathe, but stop and live and smile. Since then, I’ve been working hard to stay in that place. A place where my worth isn’t based on my productivity. And honestly school has just been in the way. I’ve found that it’s hard for me to thrive in an environment where I’m constantly under the pressure to be the best. It’s not even so much the expectations of the school and its culture (though that does factor in a lot), but it’s how I internalize the messages to the point where I will constantly keep pushing myself to my breaking point. I want a release. I want the permission to go slow and to not know who I am or what I’m doing. I don’t want to be under the pressure to be the best, instead I just want to be the best I can be. And sometimes for me that just means being enough, which is something I never thought I’d say. In the end, I am definitely grateful for my experiences at the University of Michigan and I am so grateful for all that it taught me. I am grateful to have had the opportunity of higher education because that is something that most people can only dream of. But when it comes to myself and my health, I am thankful to be graduating. Because I’m ready to finally let go of the pressure of perfection.
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Naija SunshineHi! My name is Efe and this is my mental health blog where I'll be talking about my experiences with mental illness, as well as my thoughts and tips. Archives
September 2021
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