I think one of the most dangerous things about depression is that it steals your ability to dream. When you're depressed, you're stuck in this never ending moment in which it's hard to remember a time before your depression or to see a time after it. My dreams are usually how I keep myself motivated, but when I'm feeling depressed it's impossible to feel like my dreams are possible or like I can ever feel happy again. That's where gratitude comes in. Gratitude helps change the lens on your depressed outlook, to show you that things might not be as bleak as they seem. Gratitude is really one of the simplest things that has helped me the most with my depression. And not just depression, but having a better outlook on life in general. When you're unable to believe for a better future, gratitude helps you remember the beautiful things you've had before which makes it feel possible to have them again. Now gratitude isn't as simple as just "positive thinking" or "always looking on the bright side of things" and it most definitely isn't toxic positivity. Having gratitude means that you're still aware and accepting of the difficult things in life. It just means that you're working extra hard to balance it out by stopping and noticing what's genuinely good. And it's usually a lot of stuff that we forget to notice. I first started practicing gratitude through the meditation app Calm. I decided to try their 7 day meditation series on the power of gratitude. Afterwards, I've decided to try to keep up with my own daily gratitude practice of writing down ten things that I was grateful for. Similar to how sometimes after you exercise you immediately feel a boost in energy and mood, I had the same effect with gratitude. After keeping the gratitude journal for a week I immediately started to feel a little happier after noticing how many things in life I had to be grateful for. It's now been over two years since I first listened to that meditation series and I now have over 3,000 entries in my gratitude journal. And it's amazing too, because I can see how it's affected my mindset over time. Over the past two years I've noticed how much easier it is for me to recover from setbacks, how I've stopped taking so many things in life for granted, how I've started to cherish the little moments in life along with much more. We all have things to be grateful for, it just gets hard to remember when times are difficult. So start by just focusing on the small things. What are some things that help you get through the day? What things make you feel happy to be alive? I challenge you to take some time today to reflect on what you're grateful for. Maybe even start a gratitude practice. Who knows? You might find that your life is a lot fuller than you thought. Happy World Gratitude Day!
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Recently I've been talking to some friends of mine about people that I would categorize as "the machine." You know these people. You've met them. These are the people who seem to have 48 hours in day and are able to fill every single moment with productivity without breaking a sweat. Burnout doesn't seem to be a word in their vocabulary. They are simply ~built different~. Because they are "the machine." These are the people who work 9-5 jobs and also have founded their own organizations, have published books, created their own fashion labels, and have time for thriving romantic and platonic relationships. Without breaking a sweat.
Now a big thing to note is that these people aren't termed as workaholics because they're not defined by the amount of work, projects and tasks they start in a day. They are defined by their endless motivation and energy to start and complete projects. After talking to my sister and my best friend about these so-called "machines," I have two ideas as to how these people achieve this. 1. They are people who take action, instead of simply staying in motion. I recently read James Clear's book Atomic Habits (highly recommend) and there was this one little section in his book that stuck with me so much. Basically Clear says that there's a difference between taking action and being in motion and it's basically the difference between thinking about something and doing something. I am a thinker and a dreamer. I spend all my time thinking and planning and worrying about every possible outcome of an action instead of just taking action. I have so many ideas that I never carry out because I spend so much time planning to make sure it goes right. That's why the concept of "the machine" appeals so much to me. 2. These people naturally have a stronger desire to do these things versus anything else. For these people, these projects aren't work because doing them gives them a reason to wake up in the morning. There is nothing they'd rather do than go biking every morning or learn how to sew their own clothes or publish books on poetry. These things give them joy and so that's the intrinsic motivation. As a side effect of depression, I don't have motivation. Ever. If I had to wait until I was motivated to do something before I did it, then I wouldn't do anything. Nothing sounds more appealing to me than sitting in bed and doing nothing. Literally, nothing sounds more appealing. And so no matter how much I want to write a book on poetry, that motivation is not going to come effortlessly to me because motivation is something I typically don't have. Don't get me wrong, I have spent my whole life dreaming of becoming "the machine." Before AND after a mental breakdown. Yes, I am self-aware enough to realize that there have been periods of my life where I have achieved super-human productivity levels but whenever I did it led to extreme burnout, emotional/physical harm and danger to my wellbeing. Comparing myself to the standards of "the machine" is extremely damaging as a person with mental illness as it's holding myself to something that isn't natural for my body to attain. Comparing yourself to people who are "machines" is unhealthy for anyone, though, because you're preventing yourself from recognizing and honoring your own needs, capabilities and skills which might be different from everyone else's. And also, I've been starting to learn that there there are some upsides from not living as "the machine." Like having the ability to live life slowly and intentionally, instead of scrambling to make every moment as productive as possible. Giving you time to appreciate the little things in life! Like noticing the different shades of leaves on a tree. Listening to rain fall outside. Or maybe just watching the sky at sunset :). Now that I've talked my journey to self love, it's important for me to discuss the steps it takes to get there.
Step 1: Self-Acceptance. Before I could love myself I had to first come to terms with who I was. I've spent a lot of time using denial as a coping mechanism, especially when it comes to my anxiety or depression. I often deny my feelings and negative emotions, I deny when I'm struggling and I often deny the existence of my depression and anxiety. It was very difficult because I was creating this false narrative in my head that in order to be worthy as a person I couldn't have anything "wrong" with me and so anything that could be considered off had to be swept under the rug and ignored. (I choose to put "wrong" in parentheses because having mental illness doesn't make anything wrong with you, it was just a limiting belief I held at the time.) After leaving school and being hospitalized for my anxiety and depression, ignoring the existence of my mental illnesses became an impossibility if I wanted to survive and take care of myself. So once I got to that point of needing to see myself for who I was without judgement, I could then move to self-compassion. It often doesn't take something as drastic as hospitalization to move to a state of self-acceptance in your own life, but it is something that is quite difficult to do. But once you do it, it's such a relief because you're no longer under the pressure to be a version of yourself that you're not. Step 2: Self-Compassion After self acceptance I had to learn how to like myself and the easiest way to do that was to learn self-compassion. It's often so much easier to show compassion to friends and loved ones than ourselves. When it comes to me, I'm always super hard on myself with my mistakes, flaws and shortcomings. I typically feel like the only way to motivate myself to do better is constant reprimand. Learning self-compassion was a process of looking at myself from the outside and learning to support myself in difficult situations.This one is really hard because it's often difficult to justify to yourself why you are deserving of love. But the more you practice it, the easier it becomes until you too start to see yourself as someone worthy of self-love. And that's when you're ready for the third part. Step 3: Self Love Now self-love is taking the first two things and combining them. Accepting the parts about yourself that you don't appreciate and choosing to learn to LOVE those parts instead of looking down on them. It's learning how to be sympathetic to yourself and how to provide yourself with love and care when you're struggling. Self-love isn't a destination, it's promise you make to yourself that you work every day to keep. Real self-love is difficult, it's choosing yourself even when it feels like it makes no sense. It's building a relationship with yourself, and just like any loving relationship it's constant work. Self-love is re-learning to love yourself as you continuously change, grow and develop. That's the difficult part. Self-love is learning new things about yourself or your identity or gaining weight or changing your hair and working to get to a place where you love yourself just as much. But ideally, with self-love you want to be at a place that you love yourself so much on the inside that no matter how you change on the outside, you still love you. Everyone says "practice self-love!" or "love yourself!" but no one really says how or how DIFFICULT it is.
The thing about self-love is that it's not about getting love from other people. Other can people can tell you that you're worthy of love as much as you want, whether it's friends, family, romantic partners, etc. But at the end of the day unless you do the work to learn how to love yourself, you'll never believe them. My journey towards self love began in high school. At the time my goal wasn't to love myself. I'm not sure if self-love was as big of a term in 2014 as it is now. Except for the way people would offhandedly say #loveyourself without meaning anything by it. My preliminary goal was to boost my self-esteem. I wanted to become self confident so I could push past my crippling anxiety and become less awkward. I was really concerned with how other people saw me and my constant self-hatred made it difficult to portray the persona of someone cool and confident. Wikihow became my best friend as I would regularly look up articles on "how to develop self-esteem and self-confidence." The articles did eventually help me but my reasoning for improving my self-worth was flawed. I was hoping that by becoming more confident I would impress people and be more liked, versus using it as a tool for my own happiness. Around the same time period, I started equating self-love with accepting your physical looks. I hated how I looked, physically. Spending my whole life being one of the only Black people in all White schools and towns, I thought that I was really ugly just because I was the only person who was Black. Everyone I saw that exemplified beauty was White, whether it was on TV or media or people I knew in real life. I was convinced that in order to be pretty I had to be White so I gave up on the concept of being attractive. By college I had become more comfortable and confident with myself and race to the point where I thought I was beautiful and loved the way I looked, and so I thought I had finally achieved self-love. Over the next couple years, though, I learned that when it comes to self-love, your perception of your beauty has to be more than skin deep. I thought that I was beautiful but I still hated myself. I hated my personality, my sense of humor, my constant lurking anxiety and depression and I felt worthless as a person. I felt the need to hide myself and just hope that my beauty on the inside would eventually catch up with my beauty on the outside. I would spend a lot of my time either trying to diminish parts of myself, change or improve them so that I could finally get to a place where "I was worthy" of full self-love. It was only very recently that I started learning how to actually love me (ALL of me) and that I started to learn that self-love isn't about changing yourself (on the outside or inside) to become someone that you can love. But instead, accepting yourself for exactly who you are, flaws and all, (SCARY I KNOW!) and learning to love that person. Read Part 2 for the steps to Self-Love. Some say that "comparison is the thief of joy."
I haven’t written a blog post in a very LONG time because I’ve been struggling with comparison. Especially now that I’ve just graduated. I’ve been struggling a lot with looking at other people’s lives, post-graduate plans and their reflections of how college was "so amazing" when it wasn’t for me, and so I feel like I did something wrong. College was really hard for me. And based off comparison, it just feels like everyone else had an easier or better time in college than I did. And I know social media can make thins seem real when they're not, but it definitely still feels real. Everyone's posting pictures and stories talking about how college was the best time of their life, they loved every minute of it, how they found their soulmates, how they worked so hard and it paid off so well and they’re excited to continue the next step of their journey whether it’s grad school or their professional job or whatever high achieving step is next. And truly, I am extremely happy for them! That, just, was not my experience. College was the hardest four years of my life. I was literally praying for it to be over. And the thing that made me the angriest is that I tried. I tried so hard to have the “college experience.” I pushed myself so hard to meet so many people, try new things, join clubs, take engaging classes. I pushed myself so hard to make the most of my college experience so I could look back with fondness knowing that I did everything. That I made the most of my four years. I had a plan as soon as I entered college. I knew exactly who I wanted to be in four years and what I wanted to accomplish. I was planning to be even more successful, popular, intelligent and high functioning than I was in high school. I was planning to graduate with a set life plan, whether that was an acceptance to a prestigious graduate school or a position at an expensive job. I envisioned myself reaching perfection by senior year, something that I had coveted my whole life, and consistently spent all my energy working towards. But I didn’t get that. I worked so hard to get that perfection that it led to my demise. (a.k.a A complete mental breakdown and a hospitalization). But the funny thing is that after I "failed" I finally reached the happiness that I was searching for. For the first time in my life I didn’t have the weight of perfection pulling me down and so I could breathe. And not just breathe, but stop and live and smile. Since then, I’ve been working hard to stay in that place. A place where my worth isn’t based on my productivity. And honestly school has just been in the way. I’ve found that it’s hard for me to thrive in an environment where I’m constantly under the pressure to be the best. It’s not even so much the expectations of the school and its culture (though that does factor in a lot), but it’s how I internalize the messages to the point where I will constantly keep pushing myself to my breaking point. I want a release. I want the permission to go slow and to not know who I am or what I’m doing. I don’t want to be under the pressure to be the best, instead I just want to be the best I can be. And sometimes for me that just means being enough, which is something I never thought I’d say. In the end, I am definitely grateful for my experiences at the University of Michigan and I am so grateful for all that it taught me. I am grateful to have had the opportunity of higher education because that is something that most people can only dream of. But when it comes to myself and my health, I am thankful to be graduating. Because I’m ready to finally let go of the pressure of perfection. ~TW: Mention of suicidal thoughts~
Hello. So. Yes. We are still in a pandemic. One year later. This month last year I was coming back from a family vacation as I saw the world quickly shutting down around me. The beginning of the pandemic was the worst for me, and I'm sure a lot of people can relate. It was the amount of uncertainty that caused so much widespread panic. Everything was shut down immediately, nothing was handled calmly and it felt like the world was ending. I remembered feeling so anxious all the time. Already being a very germ conscious person, being in a world wide pandemic was terrifying. I started to feel like I would die if I even went to the grocery store. So I went literally no where. Which worsened my depression because I was just trapped in my house with my thoughts (yikes) with nowhere to escape. And this isolation proved very difficult from me as it caused me to spiral into a lot of suicidal thoughts. As we got into the summer, though, things got better for me because the weather got warmer. I was able to get outside more, participate in a lot more safe social distancing activities and meet up with friends. Also, it was a lot easier to take enjoyment in nature. So as the weather is getting better again, the pandemic is getting easier to cope with again. I feel like we're in a really weird stage where there's this promise of everything getting better and so now we're all very hopeful, but even though we can see the possible outcome it'll take a very long time to get there. So we're just kinda lying in wait in this strange optimism as if everything is now changed, even though daily life feels exactly the same. The biggest thing I've realized from a year of the pandemic, though, is that just because we've spent a year in quarantine, in no way does it mean we're supposed to have gotten used to it. I don't think I'll ever get used to it. In the beginning of the pandemic people would openly discuss the negative effects the pandemic was having on mental health. But that conversation slowly dwindled away as we realized the pandemic was here to stay. I just want to validate the fact that this pandemic is still making mental health worse, even if it's been a year. It doesn't mean that we're somehow supposed to have just gotten used to it. It just means that we've been continuously negatively affected by it for a whole year, and for some people it's continuously made their mental health worse too. I still have to ACTIVELY WORK to keep myself from falling into the depths of my depression that's worsened because of isolation. Everyday I wake up and feel depressed, no matter what's going on that day, because I'm stuck in my home (where I've been over a year) in quarantine. It's lonely and isolating and monotonous and it takes so much motivation and strength to keep myself entertained or happy. My overall state of anxiety has been heightened continuously for the past year because of the state of chaos and turmoil that our country is in, the lack of control I have in my life, and the inability to gage what the future holds. This anxiety makes it even harder on the day to feel stable because now every little thing, whether its a Zoom Class or a phone call or checking my email leaves me anxious and exhausted. It's a conscious fight every single day, and just because I've been doing it for a year. It doesn't mean that it's now easier. What it does mean is that I've become more resilient, though, for continuing to do this day after day.And that you are too for still going even when it's hard. I want to validate the struggles of those suffering with mental illnesses during this pandemic because it's made life harder than most people know. So every little step we take towards trying to take care of others or keep ourselves sane is HUGE and monumental. I was really hoping that after a year of this pandemic, we'd have more clarity on what to expect next. And to an extent, with the rollout of vaccines, we do. But there's still a lot up in the air. Regardless, if the past year has shown us anything, it's the resilience that we've gained from making it this far. And that resilience will continue to carry us no matter what the future brings. Exercise has always been a big struggle for me when I'm depressed and it's really ironic because I know it's one of the things that can help depression most. It's just that when I don't even have the motivation to take a shower, it's hard to find the motivation to go exercise. Something I've been talking about with my therapist is changing the framing around exercise to just "moving your body." I don't know about you, but sometimes the word exercise stresses me out. Whenever I think of exercise I think of fitness buffs who live at the gym or have daily coordinated workout schedules. Which is not me at all. So I've found it helpful to sometimes reframe exercising as just moving my body.
At my house, though, my workout options are limited so I've had to get more creative when it comes to finding ways to move my body. For starters, I've started playing the video game Just Dance as a way of exercise. I haven't played Just Dance since like 2012 but it WORKS UP A SWEAT (like after 3 songs I am panting). But it's also really fun and nostalgic and I end up having so much fun that I forget that I'm exercising. Another thing that I've been doing, though it's a lot harder now in the winter, is going on nature walks. Every week my family goes out to a trail in our area to go for a walk. Yes, it can be FREEZING outside but somedays are better than others and if you bundle up then you'll be okay. Walking outside is great because it's really nice to just zone out from everything going on in your life and just connect with nature. I don't know about you but spending time in nature always makes me feel better. And you don't even have to go as far as a trail somewhere, taking a walk around your neighborhood can do the same thing. Lastly, I really enjoy doing yoga. There are so many places online to learn yoga nowadays and so the accessibility makes it much easier. Through different practices over the last year, I've learned that there are so many types of yoga for so many different purposes. Yoga to calm you down, to energize you, yoga for stress, yoga for flexibility, yoga for anger, yoga for back pain, etc. There's literally yoga for everything. Meaning that there's no excuse for not being in the mood to do yoga because whatever mood you're in, there's a yoga sequence for it :). Another important thing about exercise is remembering your why. This is something really important that I was talking about with my therapist and something that was mentioned on the podcast of a friend of mine. When you exercise it has to be for you. So find your why. Do you want to improve your mood? Do you want something to make you feel good in the morning? Finding your why is really important for the times when you don't want to keep going. Your why is the thing that you can hold onto to keep you from dropping it. Just having something to hold on to can go a long way. For me, faith is what keeps me going when I don't have motivation. I have faith in God and faith that if I consistently exercise, eventually it will start to make me feel better. Your reason for faith doesn't have to be spiritual though. Perhaps you have a dream or goal you want to achieve. And you know that the energy you'll gain from continuously moving your body will help you achieve that goal. Having something to hold on to when you're doing something difficult, like exercising, is literally the best way to convince you to keep going. So if you do want to start exercising more, or just incorporating movement into your life more, before you start, it's really worth it to sit down and ask yourself why you're doing it. What is your motivation? What can you draw strength from when you feel like giving up. Finding the motivation to exercise is extremely difficult, let alone during a pandemic. But I hope that this was able to give you some helpful tips and ideas. Because if you're able to find ways to exercise that you enjoy, it really makes it that much easier. Today's my birthday and I wanted to make a post about recovery. Last year I spent my birthday in the hospital because I was still attending a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) to treat my depression and anxiety. I've been spending a lot of time lately looking back at the past year because technically I have been in "recovery" since I've left the program. Now kinda marks one year of recovery. I've been talking to friends who were also in PHP and reflecting a lot on how the past year of recovery has gone for me. It's definitely been a lot harder than I expected. I think my expectations were unrealistically high after leaving the hospital program. I expected my life to be perfect afterwards because I was now equipped with all the skills I needed to fight my depression and anxiety. I kept on thinking of depression and anxiety as just a short stage in my life and that if I worked hard enough I could eventually get to the destination of being mental illness free. Yeah, that was not the case. This past year has been hard hard hard. Every month I struggled with some new debilitating aspect of my anxiety and depression and it extremely worsened during quarantine. I felt like a failure a lot of times because I went to the Hospital Program so I wouldn't feel suicidal or want to hurt myself, but I still struggled with suicidal thoughts and the urge to self harm. The prospect of being mental illness free seemed less and less possible. The problem was, though, my goal was to get back to where I was before. I was hoping to get back to my high-functioning, workaholic self who couldn't take breaks. And no matter what I tried I couldn't get there. And that was because I wasn't meant to get back there. I never realized that since my hospitalization, I have become a different person. It's not possible for me to get back to exactly who I was before. I'm currently on the path and journey of learning who this new Efe is and how I can best meet her needs. And yes, it's really scary. I have a lot of fears that my friends won't want me around any more because I can't achieve the standards of who I was before. But it's a been a really amazing process of discovering how much my friends truly love me for who I am. It's hard to write about my recovery journey thus far because I feel like I'm still in the middle of it and nowhere near done. I feel like I have so much more to learn and that's what makes it so hard to feel like I have the right to speak on the experience. What I have learned though is that there is no magical pill, therapist, book, spiritual practice or anything that will cure you. As there shouldn't be. Nothing worthwhile comes easy, and the process of healing and discovering yourself is something that is worth spending the time doing. I've spent a lot of time in the past year looking for miracle cures and throwing myself 150% into different things with the expectation that they would "fix" me. It led to a lot of disappointment on disappointment on disappointment. I eventually learned to slow down and accept that growth takes time. I accepted that I'm only 20 (21 now!) and I have a lot of time to make mistakes, grow and get better at handling my anxiety and depression. By the time I turned 21, I expected my life to be perfect and for all my biggest struggles to be gone. But I still have bad days, I still have bad months. I still forget skills and relearn them as I need them. I'm nowhere near where I expected to be. But that's okay. Because I'm okay. One of the other biggest things I've learned is acceptance. To take every day as it comes, feel grateful for it and to have patience with yourself. I've accepted where I am now, and I've also accepted that it's not about the destination but it truly is the journey. Just with little (OR BIG!) milestones in between to show you how far you've come. Here's to 21 years and all that are to follow :) Over the past month, I learned a very important lesson about choosing yourself. As I’ve observed myself over the years, I’ve noticed that I follow a typical pattern during the school year. 1. Start off with a healthy number of classes and extra-curriculars. 2. Discover many more extremely exciting extra-curriculars that I force to myself to “have the time for.” 3. Feel amazing, motivated and driven by all the cool things I’m doing. 4. Get burnt out, depressed, and overwhelmed because I can’t handle so many things. 5. Consider quitting, but deciding to "push through it" instead 6. l Crash, burn and get to a really really low place. So since classes started, I’ve been going through this pattern again. Within the past couple weeks I found some jobs centered around things I'm REALLY passionate about, like theatre education, social justice education, etc. I loved these jobs. They helped give me motivation and purpose when schoolwork got dull. But even though I really really loved them, I still ended up at step 4. Along with my schoolwork, it was just way too much for me to handle. I got behind on assignments, classes, work projects and I spent each day fluctuating between anxious about all I had to get done and depressed about how my workload never seemed to end. Even though my new jobs were giving me a newfound purpose, I was really starting to question the value of them. Normally, I would push past these doubts and just keep on working until it was too late. But this time I made a different decision. I can never forget what the consequences were of pushing myself too hard last school year, and because of this I couldn’t let myself go through the same thing again. And so, I made the decision (FOR THE FIRST TIME) of my choosing myself and my health over the work opportunities I loved so much and I quit the jobs. AND IT WAS HARD. I expected myself to feel really good after I went through with it, but instead I felt really shitty. I’ve never left something because I couldn’t “handle” it. I felt weak and pathetic because I’m so used to priding myself on the ability to push past all pain and just work instead, like I always see everyone around me doing. But also, what kind of life is that??? The biggest thing college has taught me is to do what is best for yourself instead of doing what everyone else is doing. I don’t want to spend everyday an emotional wreck working from sun-up to sundown just because that’s what “everybody else is doing.” I want to push myself to make the difficult decision to put my health first even if no one else is. Making time for myself still feels weird, because there's a part of me that feels like I need to spend all of my time being productive to have value, but there’s also a part of me that recognizes my inherent value and takes joy in just taking care of myself. And gradually that part is getting stronger and stronger. :) So now I have time to do the things I enjoy again. Like watching scary movies, putting on face masks and (hello!) writing this blog! And even if it feels weird now, I know over time I'll start to feel better about making the decision and I'll even feel more comfortable now if I have to make a similar decision in the future. I know choosing yourself is so much easier said than done, but I really hope this helps encourage you to take some steps towards doing the same. There’s a quote I once heard that really helped me in a difficult time. "Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."
Feeling suicidal does not mean you’re weak. It does not mean there’s something wrong with you. As the quote says, it just means you're in extreme pain. And it happens to a lot more people than you think. I have had periods of my life where I’ve been either suicidal or struggled with suicidal thoughts. I have many friends who have been suicidal or struggled with suicidal thoughts. And to be completely honesty, it's scary. It’s terrifying to want to take your own life. It's scary to not feel in control of your own brain and it’s even scarier to live in a society where you can’t feel comfortable talking about it. But the most important thing to know is that feeling suicidal does not mean you’re a freak or that you're crazy or weak. If anything it means that you’re quite strong for still continuing to fight when you’re facing thoughts that tell you to end your own life. Being suicidal just means that you’re a person going through immense pain, and no matter what you may think, you don’t deserve to carry that pain alone. You deserve support and even though it’s scary to look for it, it’s out there. And you are worth it. I personally see life as a series of moments. There are really really bad moments where you may feel like you’re going through Hell and you question whether life is worth living. But if you wait long enough, those moments will pass. And you will get to experience new moments where you can smile and feel grateful that you’re alive to enjoy the life you’re living. :) You'll get there. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800)-273-8255 |
Naija SunshineHi! My name is Efe and this is my mental health blog where I'll be talking about my experiences with mental illness, as well as my thoughts and tips. Archives
September 2021
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