~TW: Mention of suicidal thoughts~
Hello. So. Yes. We are still in a pandemic. One year later. This month last year I was coming back from a family vacation as I saw the world quickly shutting down around me. The beginning of the pandemic was the worst for me, and I'm sure a lot of people can relate. It was the amount of uncertainty that caused so much widespread panic. Everything was shut down immediately, nothing was handled calmly and it felt like the world was ending. I remembered feeling so anxious all the time. Already being a very germ conscious person, being in a world wide pandemic was terrifying. I started to feel like I would die if I even went to the grocery store. So I went literally no where. Which worsened my depression because I was just trapped in my house with my thoughts (yikes) with nowhere to escape. And this isolation proved very difficult from me as it caused me to spiral into a lot of suicidal thoughts. As we got into the summer, though, things got better for me because the weather got warmer. I was able to get outside more, participate in a lot more safe social distancing activities and meet up with friends. Also, it was a lot easier to take enjoyment in nature. So as the weather is getting better again, the pandemic is getting easier to cope with again. I feel like we're in a really weird stage where there's this promise of everything getting better and so now we're all very hopeful, but even though we can see the possible outcome it'll take a very long time to get there. So we're just kinda lying in wait in this strange optimism as if everything is now changed, even though daily life feels exactly the same. The biggest thing I've realized from a year of the pandemic, though, is that just because we've spent a year in quarantine, in no way does it mean we're supposed to have gotten used to it. I don't think I'll ever get used to it. In the beginning of the pandemic people would openly discuss the negative effects the pandemic was having on mental health. But that conversation slowly dwindled away as we realized the pandemic was here to stay. I just want to validate the fact that this pandemic is still making mental health worse, even if it's been a year. It doesn't mean that we're somehow supposed to have just gotten used to it. It just means that we've been continuously negatively affected by it for a whole year, and for some people it's continuously made their mental health worse too. I still have to ACTIVELY WORK to keep myself from falling into the depths of my depression that's worsened because of isolation. Everyday I wake up and feel depressed, no matter what's going on that day, because I'm stuck in my home (where I've been over a year) in quarantine. It's lonely and isolating and monotonous and it takes so much motivation and strength to keep myself entertained or happy. My overall state of anxiety has been heightened continuously for the past year because of the state of chaos and turmoil that our country is in, the lack of control I have in my life, and the inability to gage what the future holds. This anxiety makes it even harder on the day to feel stable because now every little thing, whether its a Zoom Class or a phone call or checking my email leaves me anxious and exhausted. It's a conscious fight every single day, and just because I've been doing it for a year. It doesn't mean that it's now easier. What it does mean is that I've become more resilient, though, for continuing to do this day after day.And that you are too for still going even when it's hard. I want to validate the struggles of those suffering with mental illnesses during this pandemic because it's made life harder than most people know. So every little step we take towards trying to take care of others or keep ourselves sane is HUGE and monumental. I was really hoping that after a year of this pandemic, we'd have more clarity on what to expect next. And to an extent, with the rollout of vaccines, we do. But there's still a lot up in the air. Regardless, if the past year has shown us anything, it's the resilience that we've gained from making it this far. And that resilience will continue to carry us no matter what the future brings.
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Naija SunshineHi! My name is Efe and this is my mental health blog where I'll be talking about my experiences with mental illness, as well as my thoughts and tips. Archives
September 2021
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